How to Cope with Fantasy Football Defeat

Of my many natural traits and talents, losing graciously is noticeably absent.

My patience, composure and ability to be dignified in defeat are lost somewhere among my German and Irish heritage.  Some may say I’m “overly competitive” and I “need to stop taking things so seriously” and “it’s impossible to win at setting the table or taking medicine.” I guess…

“Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.” Wrong.

There are lots of other things on this earth, like breathing and grass and FedEx drivers. But there is nothing people enjoy more than winning.

Think about it. Everything good in your life that makes you happy is a direct result of you winning in someway. New job? You beat out numerous other candidates in a competition to make money. New girlfriend/boyfriend? You bested other suitors to make out/make whoopee with the person of your choice. Sleep? You beat insomnia, an affliction that affects nearly 60 million Americans.

But as amazing as winning feels, it fails to even compare to the devastating and embarrassing pains of losing.

Losing sucks. To say I hate losing is an understatement. I despise it. I abhor it. I loathe it with a burning passion, stronger than a million suns multiplied by Kanye’s love for himself.

For the most part, losing doesn’t mean you aren’t the best. It means you are not even relatively close to the best. Rarely, if ever, do you compete against the best Madden player, the best pick-up artist or the best cards player. Unless you are extraordinarily talented in your field of competition, you compete against run-of-the-mill average Joe’s, who would just as soon go professional in your chosen activity as meet Michael Jordan at the North Pole for a sunbathing conference.

This terrible sensation of losing is multiplied infinitely when you lose to a friend. When you play team sports, you have a sense of camaraderie and friendship to lean on in defeat. But, when you participate in a solo activity, such as… Oh I don’t know… Fantasy Football… and you lose to a friend? Let’s just say it’s a tough pill to swallow.

These are people you communicate with on a regular basis, and now their main talking point is how they are better than you. I’d rather listen to a monotone professor talk about the economic impact of paint for three hours than listen to my friend talk about beating me for three seconds. Unfortunately, the verbal beat down doesn’t last three seconds, it lasts all week until they either find another victim to pick on or they lose themselves.

Losing in fantasy football can be a humbling experience. Most of you probably spent some time preparing for your draft by researching on them interwebz or watching Sportscenter to find players you like and players to stay away from. You then participated in a draft, either online or offline and selected a group of players you believed to be an adequate solution to making the playoffs or at least compete with your opponents.

Then week one roles around and you get donkey-blasted by Peyton Manning’s seven touchdowns, Adrian Peterson or Anquan Boldin (I heard he wasn’t even supposed to be the best receiver on the team) and your hopes of an undefeated fantasy season are gone quicker than Natty light at a frat part. It’s quite disparaging seeing your handcrafted team crumble week one, especially at the hands of your so-called friend. One minute, they are all buddy-buddy, like “hey man, how’s your brother doing at school?” and the next, they’re “I’M GONNA RIP OUT YOUR LUNGS AND PLAY RAQUET BALL WITH THEM WHILE I BURY YOU IN THE MASSIVE PILE OF CRAP WHICH IS YOUR FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM!”

What jerks!

In summary, losing is quite possibly the worst thing ever, so try and avoid it as much as possible for the rest of the season.

Week three promises to be interesting. The blockbuster trade sending Trent Richardson to the Colts, effectively ending any semblance of a season for the Browns should make for an interesting matchup with the 49ers.

I’m benching all Patriots this week, as Brady has simply looked awful and Ridley is running like a dying dog on the field. Gronkowski is unlikely to play this week against a stout TB defense, but New England definitely needs him to return quickly.

Thursday night football pits the Chiefs against the Eagles in Philadelphia, as the city of brotherly love welcomes back the coach who looks like he ate his other brother. Both teams are looking very strong through the first two weeks, with the Eagles averaging close to 450 yards of total offense a game and the Chiefs are undefeated behind their new signal-caller. DeSean Jackson and LeSean McCoy have simply been unreal the first two games, but look for them to come back down to earth just a bit tonight against a surprising KC Defense.

So here’s to a victorious week three of the 2013 Fantasy Football season! But just in case you fall a bit short this week, here a few methods for coping with your defeat:

-Congratulate and compliment your opponent on their well-drafted team and superior management skills.

-Go for a run (exercise releases endorphins which makes you happy!)

-Turn off the T.V. and be thankful for all of your blessings

-Take a long walk on the beach

-Call your grandparents and ask them to tell you stories of simpler times

-Reminisce over old yearbook photos

-Write in your diary/journal/blog

-Remind your opponent they still owe you money from a bet

-Remind your opponent the NFL team you cheer for beat the NFL team they cheer for

-Pretend you didn’t have time to set your line-up before the games

-Tell your opponent they got lucky

-Talk to a therapist

-Angrily tweet something

-Take a good long, hard look in the mirror and ponder what your life has become

-Cry deeply

-Complain incessantly about points your players should have had

-Like a Facebook break-up status

-Go on a profanity-laced tirade about how the universe screwed you over

-Drink yourself into a stupor

-Send tear soaked letters to Matthew Berry begging for fantasy advice

-Delete your fantasy football team

-Write a song about losing (It definitely hasn’t been done before)

-Junk punch a man (it’s probably better if they are smaller than you and alone)

-Spoil an ending to a movie people are waiting in line to see

-Ask a woman when the baby is due (warning: may end up in your decapitation)

-Punch/kick/throw an inanimate object

-Walk on the grass where a sign specifically says, “don’t walk on the grass”

-Eat a gallon of ice cream

-Make loud noises in a library

-Find a high school dropout and start a meth lab in New Mexico

-Take Candy from a baby

-Duct tape your next opponent to their bed Sunday morning so they can’t adjust their lineups

-Tell your best friend you have tickets to see their favorite band and then burn them right in front of their face

-Honk at old ladies crossing the street

-Smack an ice cream cone out of a small child’s hand

-Play home run derby with your mom’s favorite china

-Pee in your neighbor’s pool

-Pee into your neighbor’s pool (There’s a difference)

-Defecate in a public pool (Oooh! There’s a Snickers in the pool)

-Tell a small child that Santa/the Easter Bunny/the Tooth Fairy doesn’t exist (bonus points if you ruin all three for them!)

-Go streaking through the quad

-Go streaking through town hall

-Go streaking anywhere (except places with small children…it won’t end well)

-Throw a drink in someone’s face

-If you live in Naperville, start burglarizing houses (apparently that’s the hip ‘n’ happening thing to do these days)

-Hire Jack Bauer to torture Adam Schefter for inside fantasy information

-Hire a team of professionals to kidnap your fantasy players and bring them to an undisclosed, secret location (like the batcave) and hold a team meeting encouraging them to score more points

-Legally change your name and social security number and then move out of the country

-Ride on a wrecking ball (naked) through Miley Cyrus’s house and see how she likes it

-Leave a horse head in the bed of your opponents starting QB

-Fake your own death and write a letter to your league, stating your dying wish is to win your fantasy league (what jerks wouldn’t agree to that?)

-Become a recluse in the sewers, raise an army of rats and crab people and wait…soon the day will come…

-Burn down a playground (if you can’t be happy, why should little kids get to be happy?)

-Throw snakes into a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit

-Ride an ostrich (Don’t really know how this would help or if it is physically possible, but how badass would that be?)

-Go to the zoo and have a feces fight with a monkey

-Sell American secrets to foreign governments

-Give the AllSpark to Megatron (Not Calvin Johnson)

-Win the Powerball jackpot and buy your own NFL team (who needs fantasy when you OWN a real team! Plus, I think the Jags are available for $20 and a chia pet)

-Send sexually explicit photographs to a member of the opposite sex and then run for mayor of New York

-Sell your soul to Satan

-Drive a tank through a building

-Drive a tank through a Westboro Baptist rally

-Drive a tank through anything

Or lastly

-Get drunk and write a blog about how to lose in fantasy football!


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